Man Marries Tree

October 5, 2008

By Wirral Globe reporter

Unemployed mechanic, Steve Airy, is to marry a beech tree in a civil ceremony tomorrow (Sunday). Arborphiliac Steve, 35, is to take advantage of a new change in the bye-laws of Heswall, Merseyside, which permit legal partnerships between man and plant.

Some beech trees, yesterday.

Some beech trees, yesterday.

The young beech tree, which was unavailable for comment, is said to be already at the site of the ceremony in a small copse by the Dee estuary. The ceremony will be conducted by a druid priest friend of Steve’s, Hans Stamen.

Steve told a Globe reporter, “I met Hans at a music festival in Bala in the early 90s. I was admiring his Austin K9 truck and we struck up a conversation about the root of our desires. It transpired that we both had a deep love for deciduous trees, and the events of this weekend stemmed directly from that conversation. It wasn’t until 10 years later that I met my partner whilst picnicking on the Wirral Way, and our love blossomed quickly.”

Steve is no stranger to controversy. He appeared on Granada Television’s Jeremy Kyle show with his estranged wife, Imogen, in 2001 on a show entitled “My husband would rather service his Range Rover than me!”

Taken from Wirral Globe article, 7/06/2008.

You know you get those stories that seem to happen to everyone at school?  Well did anyone have one where a kid got fucked by a dog?

It was in winter, and it had snowed; we were out on lunch break.  The landscaped hills in the school playing field made an excellent sledge run, and we were scooting down them on dinner trays that we had nicked out of the canteen.  This big black Labrador thing was loose and running around barking at us every time we went down.

There was this kid from the first year; he was a bit of a geek.  He had these fake black leather trousers on for some reason.  The dog seemed to particularly like this kid; each time he went down the dog went crazy barking and jumping on him.  The last time the kid went down the dog really jumped him.

We all gathered around and formed a big circle like when there is a fight.  Everyone was pissing themselves with hysterical laughter.  The dog had got the kid pinned down and was mounting him – doggy style.  The kid was trying to crawl away on all fours, but the dog was having him big time.  Only when the dog was done with him did the kid get to escape.  We knew the dog was done with him because he had dog spunk all over the shiny black fake leather pants.

I remember seeing that poor lad from time to time over the next 3 years.  We always remembered him and never failed to remind him, and everyone else around, what happened to him that snowy winter lunch break.

Rule 34 for X-Ray

August 24, 2008

4chan’s rule 34 of the internet states, “There is porn for it.  No exceptions.” Rule 35 states, “If no porn is found of it, it will be created.”

Well I wanted to make money, and I had access to hospital equipment.  I knew people liked erotic clothed porn, naked porn, explicit porn, and porn with shit on top, but what they haven’t got was inside the body porn.  Well not much of it anyway.  Leonardo da Vinci had a crack at it 1493 with this effort:

Unfortunately, despite being the best inventor of his time he couldn’t get his mitts on an x-ray machine or an MRI scanner.  All he got hold of was some drunken models and a few peeled corpses.  Well I can go a few better with access to a hospital, and, with a few bottles of duty-free absinthe to bribe the night-shift to turn a blind eye, I have prepared for your viewing pleasure and perverted titillation some top class x-ray porno.  It’s all available from my forthcoming site  Subscriptions by credit card only.

I have prepared a few free samples below along with some notes about the novel technique involved in achieving these beautifully sexy images.

We started off in a normal x-ray fluoroscopy room.  After locking the door, I got the models naked while I put on as much lead-rubber protection as I could find.  You may be thinking about the implications of radiation on their genitals, but I’ll say this to you: a) you wouldn’t care with these guys, honestly; b) they are getting paid and with their faces they would get fuck all in conventional porn; and c) who really gives a shit?

The initial pictures were shite though, as you could only see bone really (real bone idiot – not boner!), so I had to think on my feet.  Rooting around in the cupboards, I found some barium powder which I mixed up into a really diluted paste and spread on the areas of interest.  That way we get to see the soft bits too!

Next we hurried to the MRI scanner.  I got them to remove all their metal – stupid knob and clit piercings etc – lucky I was on the ball, eh?  I could have had a few legal or health issues to face there!  I got them squeezed in the magnetic field tube and told them to get down to some fucking, while I went and tried to figure out how to get some top porn shots for you guys.

After a few technical hitches, I started getting some nice pictures.  Fair play to my models they couldn’t go at it proper hammer and tong – they had to stay still mid-stroke while the scanner droned noisily taking 15 seconds for each shot.  My guy actor was moaning about being all claustrophobic, but I had already made sure he’d had the two Vs of niche porn – valium and viagra – so I just told him he was being a pussy and to get on with it.  Otherwise he wouldn’t get paid and that would fuck him up for his gear tomorrow, the dirty junky scumbag!

Well there you have it – some lovely samples for you to get all sweaty palmed over.  I bet you’re all planning your solo ‘internet’ time already, you dirty bastards!  I’m sure you’ll be queuing up to get a subscription at as soon as I get it up and running.  My first photo and video sets will include the two you have seen samples of, plus planned sets including erotic barium enema, probing cavity ultrasound. big jug mammography, live fucking CT scans (rendered in all 3 planes), and of course some novel endoscopic examinations.